marriedtothesea.com
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
here we go again.
this is seth:
he is the relatively tall [well a foot taller than me], extremely skinny, 27-year-old, norwegian vegan college student [almost graduate].
most likely he is going to eventually be my next ex-boyfriend [like my terminology??]
he has a staff pass to first ave [which is the venue prince opened here in minneapolis-- lots of big bands have played there] so we are going to a show tonight at 7th street entry and jumping between that and first ave [for free!]
and he is making me baked vegan mac n cheese beforehand!
but he will not be my boyfriend for quite a while. if he sticks around while i make up my mind about him, then he will have passed the test!
he is the relatively tall [well a foot taller than me], extremely skinny, 27-year-old, norwegian vegan college student [almost graduate].
most likely he is going to eventually be my next ex-boyfriend [like my terminology??]
he has a staff pass to first ave [which is the venue prince opened here in minneapolis-- lots of big bands have played there] so we are going to a show tonight at 7th street entry and jumping between that and first ave [for free!]
and he is making me baked vegan mac n cheese beforehand!
but he will not be my boyfriend for quite a while. if he sticks around while i make up my mind about him, then he will have passed the test!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
why do i find this so funny???
you don't have to watch the whole thing, but every time the music starts, i laugh *so* hard at this video:
Friday, February 22, 2008
walter is barking at the doorbell on televisiion.
i realize now how close i was to having a breakdown.
not to freak you out or anything, though. but i was really close to just going nuts. i didn't realize it at the time, but now that i am feeling completely fine [finally!] i can see that i was not doing well, at all.
for some reason yesterday i was just all knotted up and tense as hell and just on the verge of full-out mania the last half of the day. my last manic episode was last week, and it wasn't a negative one... i cleaned my house hardcore and i painted a lot, but this one wasn't going to be a good one, more of an anxious one.
i took one of my xanax, and i see that perhaps i only used to take .25 instead of .5. i have the .5 tabs now, and it certainly did not just calm me down. i suppose it made me a little drugged out. i was awake but not cognizant. eek. so now i know i only have to take a half, which means these will last me double the length of time.
i am glad i can read myself enough to know when my episodes are going to bad or good.
i guess either way the fact that i have them isn't good. but there are certain episodes where i will get unbelievably anxious and then start hallucinating and get scared. that sucks. it doesn't happen often, but even one bout of hallicination is too much. it's scary to see things that aren't there, but i at least know that it isn't real.
anyhow, these episodes are why i have the xanax. they are rare, and i know myself enough to control them, at least when i have the appropriate meds. even when i don't, i usually just stay upstairs and try not to think too much. though that is hard sometimes.
i do wish i had a quick fix for the depressive parts of my cycle, which happen much more often. i suppose i could always turn to cocaine. hahaha. sounds like a plan, eh???
the whole thing about effexor is that it helps in general with the depression and it makes me feel much less hopeless, but it certainly isn't a cureall for the disease. i am able to function because of it, but i still have my troubles.
it's really bothersome that i really am unable to handle the things that normal 22 year olds deal with. i get overwhelmed with things very easily. and for a while i thought it was because i have been coddled since my breakdown, but that isn't why. i am genuinely unable to deal like normal people.
i hate using my disease as an excuse for fucking a lot of things up. i really do. it annoys me to no end when people say "oh i can't do this because i'm bipolar" or whatever. but sometimes it is true. i try, i really do.
i have finally gotten a handle on my sloppiness, for the most part. but how the hell long did that take me? 22 and a half years! i guess in a way i am developmentally disabled. i'm smart as hell, though, so i think that makes it even harder that i have these problems.
being smart and aware of your faults that for some reason you can't control no matter how much you want to is probably much harder than being dumb and oblivious to the fact that all these things are what normal people have no trouble doing.
if i was a dummy i don't think this stuff would bother me nearly as much.
i woke up to let the dogs out, and that is why i am posting this. it guess it's a bunch of rambling, and i apologize for that, but this is how i think.
it may not make sense in some parts, though.
but i am going back to bed until class [jasper will wake me up before that though]
love elyse
not to freak you out or anything, though. but i was really close to just going nuts. i didn't realize it at the time, but now that i am feeling completely fine [finally!] i can see that i was not doing well, at all.
for some reason yesterday i was just all knotted up and tense as hell and just on the verge of full-out mania the last half of the day. my last manic episode was last week, and it wasn't a negative one... i cleaned my house hardcore and i painted a lot, but this one wasn't going to be a good one, more of an anxious one.
i took one of my xanax, and i see that perhaps i only used to take .25 instead of .5. i have the .5 tabs now, and it certainly did not just calm me down. i suppose it made me a little drugged out. i was awake but not cognizant. eek. so now i know i only have to take a half, which means these will last me double the length of time.
i am glad i can read myself enough to know when my episodes are going to bad or good.
i guess either way the fact that i have them isn't good. but there are certain episodes where i will get unbelievably anxious and then start hallucinating and get scared. that sucks. it doesn't happen often, but even one bout of hallicination is too much. it's scary to see things that aren't there, but i at least know that it isn't real.
anyhow, these episodes are why i have the xanax. they are rare, and i know myself enough to control them, at least when i have the appropriate meds. even when i don't, i usually just stay upstairs and try not to think too much. though that is hard sometimes.
i do wish i had a quick fix for the depressive parts of my cycle, which happen much more often. i suppose i could always turn to cocaine. hahaha. sounds like a plan, eh???
the whole thing about effexor is that it helps in general with the depression and it makes me feel much less hopeless, but it certainly isn't a cureall for the disease. i am able to function because of it, but i still have my troubles.
it's really bothersome that i really am unable to handle the things that normal 22 year olds deal with. i get overwhelmed with things very easily. and for a while i thought it was because i have been coddled since my breakdown, but that isn't why. i am genuinely unable to deal like normal people.
i hate using my disease as an excuse for fucking a lot of things up. i really do. it annoys me to no end when people say "oh i can't do this because i'm bipolar" or whatever. but sometimes it is true. i try, i really do.
i have finally gotten a handle on my sloppiness, for the most part. but how the hell long did that take me? 22 and a half years! i guess in a way i am developmentally disabled. i'm smart as hell, though, so i think that makes it even harder that i have these problems.
being smart and aware of your faults that for some reason you can't control no matter how much you want to is probably much harder than being dumb and oblivious to the fact that all these things are what normal people have no trouble doing.
if i was a dummy i don't think this stuff would bother me nearly as much.
i woke up to let the dogs out, and that is why i am posting this. it guess it's a bunch of rambling, and i apologize for that, but this is how i think.
it may not make sense in some parts, though.
but i am going back to bed until class [jasper will wake me up before that though]
love elyse
Thursday, February 21, 2008
woooooooooooooooo petco
so i started my job tonight.
on mondays and fridays i will work 5-9, and on saturdays and sundays i will work eight hours each day [the times will vary].
i feel so much better already. i can't even describe it. it worries me a little that i get in such a rut when i am not working with dogs, though. maybe it is what i'm meant to do.
if that is the case at least going to school will further my knowledge in a lot of areas. and when i eventually get my degree, at least i will have it if i can pry myself away from the animal industry and find something else i love equally as much.
the first dog i bathed was a beige coloured thing named coco. there are so many "designer dogs" or "hybrids" or "mixed breeds"... mutts... that look so similar, i don't know what she was. a pekeapoo or a poochon or a pekachon or a bichapoo... ugh... anyway, she was really sweet, just noisy. not barking, but she made panicked crying noises like mouse does when she's left somewhere.
my boss is really nice. her name is chris and she is from florida originally but has lived in the midwest for 15 years or so. she's in her 30's, i guess.
the other girl who worked tonight was named kari or carrie. she is a lesbian with a partner and they just adopted a really adorable little boy. i don't like kids or think kids are cute usually, but this is a cute fucking kid.
i guess i don't have much else to say.
LETS NOT YELL IN THE COMMENTS
ELYSE
on mondays and fridays i will work 5-9, and on saturdays and sundays i will work eight hours each day [the times will vary].
i feel so much better already. i can't even describe it. it worries me a little that i get in such a rut when i am not working with dogs, though. maybe it is what i'm meant to do.
if that is the case at least going to school will further my knowledge in a lot of areas. and when i eventually get my degree, at least i will have it if i can pry myself away from the animal industry and find something else i love equally as much.
the first dog i bathed was a beige coloured thing named coco. there are so many "designer dogs" or "hybrids" or "mixed breeds"... mutts... that look so similar, i don't know what she was. a pekeapoo or a poochon or a pekachon or a bichapoo... ugh... anyway, she was really sweet, just noisy. not barking, but she made panicked crying noises like mouse does when she's left somewhere.
my boss is really nice. her name is chris and she is from florida originally but has lived in the midwest for 15 years or so. she's in her 30's, i guess.
the other girl who worked tonight was named kari or carrie. she is a lesbian with a partner and they just adopted a really adorable little boy. i don't like kids or think kids are cute usually, but this is a cute fucking kid.
i guess i don't have much else to say.
LETS NOT YELL IN THE COMMENTS
ELYSE
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
okay, i give up.
i got a job.
i know you said not to, but i feel like a lazy bum leeching off my parents no matter how much you say i'm not. i can't deal with not working.
when i have too little to do, i get into major depressive mode. it has happened a lot up here, and i haven't said anything. it's only because i don't need you guys worrying about me. i know i will be okay eventually, so there's no point in worrying you in the meantime.
when i get depressed i have trouble motivating myself to do anything, including go to class, so really this will improve my schoolwork and not hurt it.
it is just going to be a weekend job. saturdays and sundays. just bathing dogs. nothing hardcore. no long hours. sixteen hours a week. it will give me spending money so that i don't feel guilty every time i go out.
i guess i didn't even have to tell you that i got a job since you'd never find out, but i have a loud conscience that yells at me when i hide things.
the doctor refilled my effexor and she also gave me five xanax. she said she doesn't like prescribing that at all due to its addictiveness, but it was the only thing besides seroquel [which made me fat and really messed me up during the day] that has helped me with my occassional anxiety attacks.
i know when i am going to have one, usually, so i can take one in preparation. it only happens three or four times a month, so i am set.
i am so damn pasty. my arms used to be significantly darker than my legs and stomach and ass, etc. now they pretty much match. i guess that's what happens when you wear long sleeves and have little to no sun exposure for three months straight. i'm actually happy about it because my arms looked weird compared to the rest of me.
my painting of muffin is almost finished. her eyes are hard to do. i'm having a bit of trouble but it will be done soon. i will bring it down with my "hello world" painting. and whatever else i make in the interim that you like. you can have a little elyse museum at the house.
here is my newest painting. i made it for jonah. we both like this singer named regina spektor, and she has a song where she says "i have dreams of orca whales and owls" so i made a picture of her dreaming about orca whales and owls.
hunnee has been very honary about this hambone i gave her. not toward me, but she is so mean toward mouse. i find it kind of funny because mouse is such a bitch all the time to her.
i guess that is all for now.
el
i know you said not to, but i feel like a lazy bum leeching off my parents no matter how much you say i'm not. i can't deal with not working.
when i have too little to do, i get into major depressive mode. it has happened a lot up here, and i haven't said anything. it's only because i don't need you guys worrying about me. i know i will be okay eventually, so there's no point in worrying you in the meantime.
when i get depressed i have trouble motivating myself to do anything, including go to class, so really this will improve my schoolwork and not hurt it.
it is just going to be a weekend job. saturdays and sundays. just bathing dogs. nothing hardcore. no long hours. sixteen hours a week. it will give me spending money so that i don't feel guilty every time i go out.
i guess i didn't even have to tell you that i got a job since you'd never find out, but i have a loud conscience that yells at me when i hide things.
the doctor refilled my effexor and she also gave me five xanax. she said she doesn't like prescribing that at all due to its addictiveness, but it was the only thing besides seroquel [which made me fat and really messed me up during the day] that has helped me with my occassional anxiety attacks.
i know when i am going to have one, usually, so i can take one in preparation. it only happens three or four times a month, so i am set.
i am so damn pasty. my arms used to be significantly darker than my legs and stomach and ass, etc. now they pretty much match. i guess that's what happens when you wear long sleeves and have little to no sun exposure for three months straight. i'm actually happy about it because my arms looked weird compared to the rest of me.
my painting of muffin is almost finished. her eyes are hard to do. i'm having a bit of trouble but it will be done soon. i will bring it down with my "hello world" painting. and whatever else i make in the interim that you like. you can have a little elyse museum at the house.
here is my newest painting. i made it for jonah. we both like this singer named regina spektor, and she has a song where she says "i have dreams of orca whales and owls" so i made a picture of her dreaming about orca whales and owls.
hunnee has been very honary about this hambone i gave her. not toward me, but she is so mean toward mouse. i find it kind of funny because mouse is such a bitch all the time to her.
i guess that is all for now.
el
Monday, February 18, 2008
poor hun hun
she has been acting very "old" lately.
she gets confused at the bottom of the stairs and i have to call to her until she realizes she is supposed to climb them.
she woke me up last night because she randomly howled. like a wolf. she came out of a dead sleep and howled.
she was laying next to the couch and i didn't realize where she was, and when i got up i put the blanket over her. i went downstairs and made some tea and came back up, and she was standing in the middle of the floor completely covered with the blanket, just standing there. it was funny but sad at the same time.
also sometimes she wanders around in the snow and doesn't seem to remember why she's out there or where she's supposed to be going.
she's okay, though. very happy all the time. poor baby, though.
she gets confused at the bottom of the stairs and i have to call to her until she realizes she is supposed to climb them.
she woke me up last night because she randomly howled. like a wolf. she came out of a dead sleep and howled.
she was laying next to the couch and i didn't realize where she was, and when i got up i put the blanket over her. i went downstairs and made some tea and came back up, and she was standing in the middle of the floor completely covered with the blanket, just standing there. it was funny but sad at the same time.
also sometimes she wanders around in the snow and doesn't seem to remember why she's out there or where she's supposed to be going.
she's okay, though. very happy all the time. poor baby, though.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
good morning.
well, last night i actually went out. for jonah's birthday.
this was taken right before we all went back to the house for cake. although the girl that made the cake is vegan, i'm pretty sure the cake wasn't, and now i feel bad [not physically but morally]. she used egg replacer to make it, but she used boxed mix and she said she was pretty sure it isn't vegan.
and here is my favorite picture of the night:
nothing too exciting has happened lately, as i haven't been doing anything. yesterday i felt really good though, and i cleaned my house and painted a few teeny little canvases.
walter has some sort of huge liking for plastic things that he really shouldn't chew on. he won't chew bones or anything, but the attachments for the vacuum cleaner? can't get him away from them. the doggie nail clippers? loves the hell out of them.
eeeeeeelyse
this was taken right before we all went back to the house for cake. although the girl that made the cake is vegan, i'm pretty sure the cake wasn't, and now i feel bad [not physically but morally]. she used egg replacer to make it, but she used boxed mix and she said she was pretty sure it isn't vegan.
and here is my favorite picture of the night:
nothing too exciting has happened lately, as i haven't been doing anything. yesterday i felt really good though, and i cleaned my house and painted a few teeny little canvases.
walter has some sort of huge liking for plastic things that he really shouldn't chew on. he won't chew bones or anything, but the attachments for the vacuum cleaner? can't get him away from them. the doggie nail clippers? loves the hell out of them.
eeeeeeelyse
Monday, February 11, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
hmmm
if i didn't know better, i'd say that squirrels routinely shed their skin and drop it out of trees. because jasper found another squirrel skin when i just let him out.
f-r-e-e that spells free.
well i already relayed the jasper saga to daddy a little while ago. the dog-catcher was really really nice, though, and he said if i needed more time to get the kennel license [i have to have my neighbors sign something, too] or the dog licenses that i can call him. i have a month.
i don't know where he got that dead squirrel. it wasn't really a squirrel. just the skin. it was pretty disgusting; he was showing it to me so proudly.
jonah and i are going to fargo tomorrow. he's paying for gas; his friend's band is playing and he wants to visit some people. fargo is almost two hours closer than milwaukee, so it's not much of a drive at all. a little less than fort myers-orlando. plus, now i can add north dakota to the list of states i've visited. i had to ask if fargo was in north or south dakota haha.
so in the past year i've added california, kentucky, tennessee, illinois, wisconsin, and minnesota to my list of states i've been to. tomorrow i'll add north dakota. i'm sure south dakota and iowa will be added before long.
when i have time and my own money [not any time soon] i'm going to visit canada. just for the sake of visiting canada. i'd like to visit wherever grandpa roland came from.
and yes the dogs will be let out.
tomorrow is my favorite class, cultural anthropology! it's a nice way to end the week, and i love it, even though it is three hours long.
i've lost about 8lbs so far. i'm happy about that. once i get to ride my bike every day, things will be great.
i had to wrestle walter today so i could clip TWO of his toe nails. he has been limping because his right paw's nails grow so quickly, they were turning his toes. i had to pin him down and now my skin is all irritated. he's a feisty one.
hunhun is being jolly and old and cycloptic, as always. i love her.
hunhun's mommy
elyse
i don't know where he got that dead squirrel. it wasn't really a squirrel. just the skin. it was pretty disgusting; he was showing it to me so proudly.
jonah and i are going to fargo tomorrow. he's paying for gas; his friend's band is playing and he wants to visit some people. fargo is almost two hours closer than milwaukee, so it's not much of a drive at all. a little less than fort myers-orlando. plus, now i can add north dakota to the list of states i've visited. i had to ask if fargo was in north or south dakota haha.
so in the past year i've added california, kentucky, tennessee, illinois, wisconsin, and minnesota to my list of states i've been to. tomorrow i'll add north dakota. i'm sure south dakota and iowa will be added before long.
when i have time and my own money [not any time soon] i'm going to visit canada. just for the sake of visiting canada. i'd like to visit wherever grandpa roland came from.
and yes the dogs will be let out.
tomorrow is my favorite class, cultural anthropology! it's a nice way to end the week, and i love it, even though it is three hours long.
i've lost about 8lbs so far. i'm happy about that. once i get to ride my bike every day, things will be great.
i had to wrestle walter today so i could clip TWO of his toe nails. he has been limping because his right paw's nails grow so quickly, they were turning his toes. i had to pin him down and now my skin is all irritated. he's a feisty one.
hunhun is being jolly and old and cycloptic, as always. i love her.
hunhun's mommy
elyse
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
baccababa
nothing much going on. i did this today:
i don't like it too much but i guess it's okay for my first canvas painting. it's called "hello world".
we didn't have classes today because of the caucuses.
i don't like it too much but i guess it's okay for my first canvas painting. it's called "hello world".
we didn't have classes today because of the caucuses.
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